So for those of you reading this who are unfortunate enough to have never visited the beautiful Willamette University campus, it's important to mention that it is right next to some train tracks. Actually, one could argue that the tracks actually go through campus, as one of the main dorms lies on the other side of them. The University is also situated right next to Salem Hospital, and I have to tell you, the ambulances were much more annoying than the trains which were at least fairly predictable.
September 3, 2007
By Tom Ackerman
Everyone at Willamette knows about the train. At first, it is a major annoyance, but after only a few days it is barely noticed. At most, it will pause conversation for a moment, or drown out soft music. Even where I live forty yards from the tracks, the train is merely irksome. But sometimes, sometimes a train will come right at that time when I’m not awake, but not quite asleep either. The time when your mind lets your imagination loose, and anything goes. When that happens, well, it goes something like this:
Train: bwaaaaaaah bwaaaaaaaah…………
Me (internally): “Was that the train?”
Train: ………bwaaaaaaaah bwaaaaaaaaaah……………
Me: “Yup, there’s totally a train coming”
Train: …Bwaaaaaaaaah Bwaaaaaaaaaaah……………
Me: …
Train: Bwaaaaaaaaah…
Me: “Oh man, it’s getting closer.”
Train: BWAAAAAAAAH
Me: “Oh my god it’s like way too close now.”
Train: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Me: “OH MY GOD IT’S COMING TO GET ME!”
Train: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Me: “I’M GONNA DIE. IT’SGONNAKILLME and I’MGONNADIE. IT’S GONNA JUMP THE TRACKS AND RUN RIGHT INTO MY THIRD STORY WINDOW, THEN IT’S GONNA RIP ME TO SHREDS WITH IT’S RAZOR SHARP TRAIN…PARTS.
Train: BWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Me: “OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP. IT’SGONNAKILLMEandI’MGONNADIEandIWON’TBEALIVEcauseI’LLBEDEAD.”
Train: BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.”
Train: AAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooohhh (Turns out it’s rather hard to turn the Doppler effect into an onomatopoeia, but I do my best)
Me: “Wow I’m totally still alive……”
Anyhow hopefully it amuses you to know that the train scares the crap out of me some nights. What you should really take from this article is the fact that I’m already running out of stuff to write about. So please do send me feedback, or ideas…or pictures of you and your cats. Whatever. I’m not picky.
In other news Michal Crichton needs to get his shit back together. Years ago I read Jurassic Park because it’s a classic. I enjoyed it thoroughly of course. Then I read Airframe, which was better than JP in many ways. A while later I picked up Congo which was a mistake. Trained attack monkeys? Really? Is that all you have for me Michael Crichton? I didn’t read any more Crichtons for a while. But finally I was on vacation and I needed a good thriller with not much depth so I picked up Prey. Prey is like Jurassic Park sans dinosaurs and likeable characters. I mean, it’s still a Crichton book so I read it in like a day and a half, but I derived almost no enjoyment from it.
Maybe I’ll go back and read his old stuff, but I’ve sworn off 21st century Crichton. Timeline is sitting on my shelf even now, waiting to be read. Sometimes I just sit and scowl at it.
Apparently this particular column was only popular with people who knew me personally and could imagine me making humorous train noises. Soon after this was published, my friend Dan called me up and requested a DRAMATIC READING of the piece which I proceeded to give to Dan and a group of other people via speakerphone. Such a thing never happened with any of my other columns, so this one does hold a special place in my heart (unlike Michael Crichton).
The Bistro at Willamette had periodic open mic nights. I occasionally thought of doing readings of my columns at those, but I was worried that I wouldn't really be able to compete with girl who played ukulele or guy who played guitar and harmonica at the same time. Also I thought people would be disappointed to find that I do not wear a tux all the time; seeing as how my author mug shot in The Collegian was a picture of me at my senior prom that some unnamed newspaper staff member had found on the internet and determined to be the best photo of Tom Ackerman ever taken (they were not wrong). Because of this, I seemed to readers to be the best-dressed of all the Collegian contributors, despite the fact that my content was often about urine.
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