Here begins MY SOPHOMORE YEAR. Also known as TOM'S WEEKLY YEAR. Yes I had a column in every issue of the Collegian during the '07-'08 school year. It was often tough to think of stuff to write. In fact this first entry into my popular Freshmen Disorientation series is a two parter because I had already run out of ideas. Luckily, lots of wacky shit happened during this year that I could then write about, as you shall soon see. My new boss for this, my first year as a real columnist (not some no-name guest-writing schlub) was Noah Zaves. He was a polarizing figure on the Willamette campus, but I liked him fine as an Opinions Editor because he let me use the "S" word.
Everything you need to know that they don’t tell you during Opening Days
(Also some things they do tell you that bear repeating)
August 17, 2007
By Tom Ackerman
This first column is for the new freshmen. Hi newbies, as freshmen there is an extremely good chance that you have never met me, as such I will take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Tom Ackerman; I’m a sophomore hoping to major in sarcasm with a double minor in sleeping and eating. I was born and raised in Phoenix Arizona (where the cold water runs hot and most respectable people try very hard to look like Californians). People seem to find me amusing so they gave me a column in the paper.
I learned much my freshmen year, mostly the hard way. And now through my infinite generosity, I impart my hard earned wisdom to you wide-eyed, ignorant greenhorns.
Eat French Dip sandwiches from Goudy.
Don’t be a fool like me and wait until second semester try this delightful sandwich. A perfectly prepared French Dip with a steaming cup of Au Jus, a bag of Sun Chips and a tall glass of root beer is often my idea of the perfect lunch.
If you go far enough in any direction, you enter the bad parts of Salem.
Salem is a pretty nice town, but its outskirts can be frightening. If you’re exploring on foot and start to see used car lots, unusually high concentrations of chain link fences, street fights or packs of wild dogs, you should probably head back to campus at a brisk pace.
Don’t piss off your RA.
They all know Judo. I found this out the hard way.
Wrap it up.
Hopefully you know what this means.
Do not dive into the Mill Stream or the Chicken Fountain.
I am constantly amazed by how uncommon common sense is these days.
The Library has just what you need.
But you won’t be able to find it without the help of a grizzled and irritable librarian.
Umbrellas are for wusses.
You’re in Oregon now, rain is the default weather setting, get used to it.
Don’t trust the couches in the Matthews basement.
There’s about sixty of them all dating back to before the Reagan administration. They smell like wet dog and low-end retirement home. And they eat children.
Meet as many people as possible during Opening Days.
This is the most important advice I can possibly give to you. Your first days of college are a very unique time. All too soon you reach a point where you can no longer sit with a table of strangers just because they seem cool. Or walk into any open door and introduce yourself. For a week or so you are free of many of the taboos of polite society, you should make the best of it. Otherwise you’ll turn into a bitter recluse like me.
I sure hope my awesome advice has been helpful. I wish you all a great first year.
At some point (I think between my Sophomore and Junior years) Goudy Commons, (Willamette University's cafeteria place) STOPPED OFFERING THEIR FRENCH DIP SANDWICH. Okay sure, sometimes they would have it as a special, but it used to be an everyday thing. What a great sandwich. I miss it still. Anyhow, on to part II!
Freshmen Disorientation Part II
The Stuff I Didn’t Remember the first time around (but have since remembered)
August 27, 2007
August 27, 2007
By Tom Ackerman
Your (somewhat) friendly upperclassmen mentor is here with more nuggets of wisdom for you freshmen to take to heart.
Get a Facebook
If you aren’t on Facebook, you will be left out of everything without exception. Your peers won’t even really believe you exist until they can find you on the internet.
Lausanne is Haunted by Ghost Hookers
You see it was a brothel during the forties, and some people died or something. The main thing that you need to know is that it’s haunted.
Lock Your Door
This will prevent theft, but mainly it will keep even the large and intelligent rats out of your room (for a while).
Red Sky In Morning, Students Take Warning
This one is pretty self explanatory.
Rhymes Are Helpful
I just decided.
Go to Your RA with All of Your Problems
Your RA will start avoiding you in no time.
Windows are Not Meant to be Broken
I know some of you probably came to college just for the chance at breaking some windows, but I’m here to tell you, that’s not how we do things around here.
Uhhh Brush Your Teeth?
Crap, I’m really running out of wisdom nuggets here.
Don’t Brush Your Teeth While Driving
Seriously, the other day I saw this chick brushing her teeth while driving. That can’t be safe. It was on a Sunday, but I guess she must have been late for something. Then just fifteen minutes later I saw this other lady with an Egg McMuffin in one hand, and a hash brown in the other, driving with her palms. Did she have to be holding both at once? I mean really, the only way this could have been worse was if she’d been wearing a beer hat full of McDonald’s coffee and had fries strewn across the dashboard for easy access.
The Sky Bridge is Dangerous in the Winter
This one isn’t even funny. Sometimes the bridge gets icy and it is scary. I have this one friend; his bike went out of control on the way down the bridge. Luckily, by colliding with pedestrians he was able to slow down. He surely would have perished if not for his quick thinking.
Spontaneous Road Trips to Alaska are Not a Good Idea
You will get lost. You will have you supplies stolen by bears. You will get frostbite. And you will not “find yourself”. Just say no to spontaneous road trips to Alaska.
And finally:
Get Your Shit Together
Seriously, you’re in college now. C’mon people.
All of these tips are still relevant for entering Freshmen today. Except the French Dip one (sigh). I cannot stress enough the second-to-last point. If you go on a road trip to Alaska without a card-carrying, red-blooded Alaskan as your guide, things will not end well for you. If I recall correctly, this is the column that first got me noticed by my Anthropology prof, professor Wogan, who would become one of my biggest fans. At least among the faculty. It was always cool to find that Willamette faculty and staff enjoyed my column. I liked to think that these adults, contributing members of society all, would have more refined taste in humor than the average college student. Whether this is true or not, I don't actually want to find out. However I never came in to a class and had a professor say, "a good effort this week Ackerman, but it really needed more poop jokes." "Especially diarrhea jokes, those are great."
No comments:
Post a Comment