This would seem to be the first appearance of an Ackerman Acronym (trademark sign) in one of my columns. I would go on to create many acronyms in my time as a columnist. Partly so that I could meet my draconian word count constraints, but mostly because I just like acronyms. This one I feel is very useful for students at all grade levels. It's also pretty fun to yell. Which is important.
April 16, 2007
By Tom Ackerman
As the school year ends, a frightening epidemic spreads through the Willamette student body. “FISAO syndrome” is running rampant through our dorms and classrooms. FISAO of course, stands for F*** It, School’s Almost Over. FISAO syndrome manifests itself in situations where students would normally do something, but instead do not do something, because, well, f*** it, school’s almost over.
I myself am in the unyielding grip of this serious disease. Why, just the other day I found that I was out of Kleenex. Now, I could walk four blocks to Safeway and pick up a new box, but instead my first thought was “aw f*** it, school’s almost over, I’ll just blow my nose into my dirty laundry for a few weeks”. My personal hygiene is clearly the hardest hit by my condition. Mere days after I started dumping my excess mucus into my soiled clothing, I noticed that I would soon run out of shampoo. Immediately I thought “there’s only like…twenty-something days of school left; screw it, I can leave my hair as an ill-smelling greasy mass for that long”.
My meager shell of a social life is also taking a hit because of my debilitating FISAO syndrome. Hours ago I had the following internal dialogue with myself:
Me: “Hey Tom we should go out tonight and meet new people, specifically people of the female variety.”
Also Me: “Shut up A-hole.”
Me: “No seriously, new people can be downright enjoyable sometimes.”
Also Me: “To hell with that. There’s only like… 2.1 million seconds left of school. That’s not enough time to forge a meaningful friendship.”
Me: “Yeah, you’re right, f*** that s***. Let’s play some Counter Strike.”
Also Me: “Wurd.”
It frightens me now to think that FISAO syndrome made me think such thoughts. Yet these are the kind of thoughts that are being thunk by myself and my peers on a daily basis.
I can only imagine how the seniors are being affected…. The following account takes place in the author’s imagination, but due to the seriousness of this disease, it could totally happen in real life: “Welllll, I could finish my thesis, but f*** it, school’s almost over, and pretty soon I’ll be off in the real world doing adulty things like paying taxes and working in a cubicle.” Even more frightening is the thought of professors, administrators and Goudy workers succumbing to the onslaught of FISAO syndrome.
Society has been silent about this grave disease for far too long. So in an effort to bring to light the scale of this epidemic, you all should scream “FISAOOOOOOOOO!” at the top of your lungs whenever you feel an outbreak of FISAO syndrome coming on. This way, your friends and loved ones will know that you just shirked potentially vital responsibilities. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that any of your friends and loved ones will give a rat’s ass because FISAOOOOOOOOO!
First reference to a videogame in a Tom's Thoughts column? That's worth noting.
Recent studies have found the existence of a FIWAO (F*** It, Work's Almost Over) syndrome which is related to FISAO. It is less intense than FISAO, but chronic, generally occurring every weekday between 4:30 and 5:00pm for decades on end.
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