Here it is folks, here it is, the very first column I ever wrote for the collegian (published late January 2007). As you might expect, it took major cojones for a freshmen to even try to get his work published in a prestigious publication like The Collegian. I admit I was mildly intimidated by Jade Olson the Opinions Editor who was a sophomore *gasp* who I assumed ruled the Opinions section with an iron fist. I had visions of being savagely beaten for punctuation errors. It turned out that Jade was quite nice, and, like all of my subsequent bosses, was completely content as long as I had assembled at least four complete sentences and had turned them in before the deadline.
January 21, 2007
By Tom Ackerman
Hello readers, my name is Tom, and I am a freshmen who just completed his first semester here at Willamette. As such, I feel that I know the ropes, and that I am finding my niche in college society. I can now sleep undisturbed in a building chock full of almost complete strangers. I no longer feel the need to sprint to every class. And best of all, upwards of two people wave and acknowledge me by name while I’m walking through my hall. As I contemplate the future though, I wonder if I will be remembered here after I have graduated.
Of course, the best way for me to leave a lasting mark on Willamette is to get a building named after me. And the easiest way to get a building named after me is to give the school copious amounts of money for a new building, and then insist that they name it after me. Why stop there though? If I had the resources I would also construct other buildings and name them after my favorite celebrities. Imagine if you will, living in David Bowie Commons, or attending classes in the state-of -the-art Yakov Smirnoff Rhetoric Dome (in Soviet Russia, notes take you). It is truly an enticing vision of the future. Unfortunately for everyone, I am not an eccentric billionaire philanthropist. I’m just a college student.
There is another way for me to achieve the fame and immortality I desire. I can get a sandwich named after me in the Cat Cavern. As many of you probably know, there is a whimsical sandwich called an “Oliver” that you can purchase for a nominal fee from the Cat. Now, you won’t find this sandwich posted on the menu, but if you ask for one, the Cat employee taking your order will smile and nod knowingly and you will be treated to something quite amazing. The Oliver sandwich is a standard grilled cheese with crispy chicken strips right inside. It is salty, peppery, gooey, crispy and all around awesome.
I do not know much about this Oliver fellow other than that he is a visionary upperclassman, with good taste, who is probably on meal plan D. Most importantly though, this guy got a sandwich named after him just by special ordering it every day, probably for years. If he can do it, so can I.
As I begin my personal journey to invent and perfect the sandwich that will ultimately bear my name for years to come, I hope all of you students reading this ponder how your college career will be remembered. I urge you all to make your mark. Get involved. Break records. Build Monuments. Eat sandwiches.
The irony here of course, is that my column is what I will be best remembered for at Willamette, while the "Ackermanwich" never made it past the planning stage. I think at one point I was facebook friend with the Oliver that invented the Oliver sandwich. I don't know where he is now, but I've no doubt he is extremely successful. I also have no doubt that that sandwich will be cherished at Willamette long after all my readers have left the school behind. This is as it should be however. It is a seriously good sandwich.
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