Pointers for Constructing a Politically Correct Halloween Costume

     Here is the first of what would be several appearances of the Concerned Students for Social Justice (CSSJ) a very vocal group of individuals on the Willamette campus who were active during the years I attended.  A full account of their activities is beyond the scope of this blog.  For those of you who weren't there, I'll just give you the info you need to understand my columns.

     So, my freshmen year, some upperclassmen had a "Politically Incorrect Costume Party" for Halloween.  They also filmed portions of the party and put the video up on YouTube. The school administration somehow found out about this and it became a whole big scandal where the president was very disappointed in all of the students involved etc. (personally I dunno how anyone could be overly offended by a video hosted by a drunk Asian kid dressed as Hitler).  

Anyhow, a year later, the events in this column transpired.

By Tom Ackerman

October 29, 2007

Hello there readers, if you didn’t know already, the Concerned Students for Social Justice (not to be mistaken with the Students Concerned for Social Justice) recently distributed a document presenting the Top 10 "You should probably reconsider your costume ifs". This is an issue of vital importance to our community, so I have attempted here to further elaborate on these points so that there can be no confusion over what is and is not an offensive or politically incorrect Halloween costume.

Here we go, number 10: You should probably reconsider your costume if…The cotton ball is the most substantial part of your bunny costume. This one’s pretty self explanatory. Luckily the most substantial part of my bunny costume the grievous shotgun wound inflicted by Dick Cheney.

Number 9: You should probably reconsider your costume if…Your costume “makes light” of mass genocide. Ok people, this means no Darth Vaders or Emperor Palpatines. It also means no Teddy Roosevelts or Chuck Norrises, and under no circumstances can you be the Grim Reaper. Of course, if you can play these characters so that they don’t make light of genocide then more power to ya. For instance an acutely remorseful Teddy Roosevelt would be quite all right.

Number 8: You should probably reconsider your costume if…Your costume is a synonym for a garden tool. So if you were all ready to be a leaf blower for Halloween, you’d better change your plans. But all you girls who want to dress like prostitutes, you get a green light since hoe and ho are homonyms not synonyms, so have fun out there you filthy skanks!

Number 7: You should probably reconsider your costume if…Your costume includes purchasing paint of a skin color not your own. Sorry boys and girls, no Yoda or Shrek this year or any other year from now on, that shit is offensive. But my trusty John Wilkes Booth outfit is still perfectly socially acceptable. I love being Caucasian.

Number 6: You should probably reconsider your costume if…Your costume requires the Jaws of Life to get you out. This one doesn’t have much to do with political correctness, just common sense. If you’re going to be a robot for Halloween, make sure you build an escape door in your suit, otherwise your friends will have to call the fire department at the end of the evening. I learned this one the hard way. I sure do miss that robot suit…

Number 5: You should probably reconsider your costume if… It requires broken English. I know it’s a bummer kids, but you are no longer allowed to be Donald or Goofy; can’t have you walking around and offending the neighbors. Also no Rambo or Rocky; really any Stallone character is off limits. For that matter, you know what’s pretty damned offensive? Accents. My apologies all you Sherlocks, Mary Poppins’s, Wayne Gretzkys, and anyone who wants to portray a member of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, you are all too politically incorrect for this fine holiday.

Number 4: You should probably reconsider your costume if… The funny part of your costume recalls a terrorist attack. This one really pains me. I was all set to be Quinn from Jaws after he gets eaten. I memorized all of his lines. I even grew a sweet mustache. Unfortunately, everybody knows that Jaws is a movie about terrorism. Oh well.

Number 3: You should probably reconsider your costume if… Your costume needs to be defended with your right to free speech. This one’s pretty self explanatory. I’m just glad they didn’t say anything about the second amendment since most of my costumes vigorously exercise my right to bear arms. A few years ago I was the most realistic disgruntled postal worker you ever saw.

Number 2: You should probably reconsider your costume if… The party you are going to in that costume will be filmed and put on YouTube. If do plan on partaking in some hard-core, unadulterated political incorrectness this Halloween, make sure you’re not being filmed doing it.

And finally, number 1: You should probably reconsider your costume if…You struggle with the concept of satire. Wow, this is the big one. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t struggle with the concept of satire sometimes. It’s a pretty nebulous subject. I suppose people who do it for a living probably have a pretty good understanding of it. Let’s see…Mark Twain…George Orwell…they’re dead. I guess that leaves Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert is the only person authorized to dress up for Halloween this year. But don’t throw out your candy just because of that; Colbert can really pack in the Kit Kats.

Hopefully you realize that this was all written with the utmost of sarcastic tones. I’m not advocating the widespread adoption of offensive Halloween costumes. All I’m saying is that if you’re trying to impose a dress code on Halloween, then you are destroying Halloween in much the same way that Communists might try to destroy Christmas. If you’re destroying Halloween, my favorite holiday, you might see me on All Hallows Eve, egging your car. And if that happens, you won’t much care whether I’m dressed as Joseph Stalin or Winnie the Pooh.

The CSSJ could have been trying to be cheeky with their little handout, but I didn't find it funny at all.  I was appalled that anyone would try to dictate what one could and could not dress as for Halloween.  It's a holiday set aside for transgressing social norms and boundaries!   Anyhow, to my knowledge there was no Politically Incorrect Costume Party my Sophomore year, or if there was, it prudently was not filmed.

If I recall correctly, the paper did not allow me to use the word skanks.  I could say shit however.

I still wanna be Quinn from Jaws one Halloween.  That would be such a sweet costume.

Also that Dick Cheney joke was some years out of date, but I didn't really feel that I could be a part of the paid humorist community until I made a proper Dick Cheney joke, so I shoehorned one in here.