WUPAT REPORTS: Part Deux

My second installment of the WUPAT Reports again stuck very close to the Campus Safety Report format. Soon I would stop living in their shadow however....

By Tom Ackerman

November 5, 2007

Welcome to another edition of the WUPAT Reports. For those of you who don’t know, the Willamette University PATrol is an elite crime fighting force that I run in my spare time. Though officially (according to the facebook group) WUPAT now has several dozen members, these people never come to any of the meetings or file any incident reports. So for now the active part of WUPAT remains myself and my loyal wiffle bat The Hammer of Righteousness.

EMERGENCY MEDICAL AID:

A student cut their hand while attempting to open a letter. A WUPAT agent responded to the call, and upon arriving at the scene, promptly fainted.

A Willamette student appeared at WUPAT headquarters and requested some Aspirin. A WUPAT agent responded immediately with two tablets and a dixie cup full of tap water. The WUPAT agent then patted himself on the back for a job well done.

THEFT:

A student reported to WUPAT that Waller Hall had been stolen. WUPAT informed the student that WUPAT had not been born yesterday and subsequently hung up the phone.

A student reported that her bicycle had been stolen from the Matthews bike stand. WUPAT was hopeful, but after several heated interrogations involving The Hammer of Righteousness, no leads were found.

A student called WUPAT accusing the Willamette Bookstore of “highway robbery”. WUPAT responded to the call, but no evidence of a robbery was found. WUPAT closed the investigation after purchasing several new highlighters and a humorous birthday card.

FIRE ALARM:

WUPAT was present when the fire alarm was activated at Kaneko Commons. A male student insisted that the fire alarm had been activated because of his inherent hottness. Upon further investigation, this proved not to be true.

HALLOWEEN SHENANIGANS:

WUPAT observed a student dressed as Abraham Lincoln. Shenanigans ensued.

POSSESION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE:
While responding to a call of a noise complaint, WUPAT discovered two students to be in possession of an adult male panda bear. WUPAT confiscated the panda and informed the proper authorities.

VAN COMPLAINT:

WUPAT received a call complaining about the reckless driving of a Willamette van. Lacking the proper equipment to engage in a high speed chase, WUPAT was forced to ignore the call.

WUPAT would like to remind readers here that WUPAT takes all forms of donations, including sports cars and helicopters.

GENERAL UNSAVORY BEHAVIOR:

WUPAT observed several Willamette students feeding bread to the Mill Stream ducks. WUPAT realized that the students were purposefully not feeding one of the female ducks. Swift justice was administered to the offending students via The Hammer of Righteousness, and all of the confiscated bread was given to the neglected duck.

WUPAT observed a student pick his nose and then deposit his pickings on a Baxter Hall sofa. WUPAT kicked the student in the shins until he properly disposed of his excess mucus.

If you have any information regarding these incidents, please contact WUPAT.

If you would like to donate a sports car to WUPAT, please contact Tom Ackerman at tackerma@willamette.edu.

WUPAT still has a facebook group.  Just sayin'.  Nobody ever did donate a car to us.  Though WUPAT would one day be involved in a dramatic high speed chase, so stay tuned for that.