February 4, 2008
Well
folks, January is over, and you know what that means; it means
February has just begun. And you know what that means. It
means that February fourteenth, that cursed celebration we call St.
Valentine’s Day, is mere days away. Now, in previous years, I
would be using these precious days to prepare myself emotionally for
a long lonely evening of watching movies and eating Planter’s nuts
by myself while most everyone else is out frolicking and cavorting
and canoodling with their significant other. But not this year!
This year I have my own column in the Collegian. Now normally I do
not use the far-reaching influence of my column for my own means, but
this is different. I’m drunk on power and high on desperation. So
I’m using my column to announce that I am going to be interviewing
girls to be my Valentine. This is such an awesome plan. You have no
idea how well this is going to work out.
Ok
girls, here’s how it’s gonna go down. You sign up for an
interview time. Show up at my room appropriately dressed and
promptly at your appointed time. Upon your arrival, my loyal and
obedient freshmen roommate Michael will offer you cookies and a
steaming mug of Cinnamon Stick Tea. Then it’s down to business.
The following is just a sample of the questions I may ask you to
determine our compatibility.
What’s
your name? Where are you from? How has your day been so far? What
are your thoughts on the meaning of life? What is your favorite
movie? (there are no right answers to this question, only a myriad of
wrong ones). Do you like to read? How long have you wanted to get
to know me? How awesome do you think my weekly column is? What do
you think of my sideburns? Wasn’t my idea for having Valentines
interviews flawless? If we’d been going out for a year, what would
you get me for my birthday (Hint: no woman has ever been wrong in
buying her man a cavalry saber for his birthday). Are your parents
crazy? What do you think your parents would think of my sideburns?
If you could be any X-Men character, who would you be and why? If
you had $655, what would you do?
Based
on the answers to these questions, each interviewee will be rated on
the Tom Ackerman Passion Scale (0 to 100, 0 being no compatibility at
all, 100 being I would propose to you immediately if we weren’t so
busy makin’ out). The highest any girl has ever achieved on the
Tom Ackerman Passion Scale was a 58. Luckily my love is graded on a
curve.
“But
Tom” you must be saying, “you can’t give affection a number.”
And “interviews aren’t romantic at all Tom.” Well if you’d
forgotten it is officially crunch time, and the TAPS works
very well during crunch time. Also I’ll have you know that I make
my interviews very romantic.
So
the call goes out. Who wants to be my Valentine? Maybe you want to
meet me, maybe you just want to get to know me better, maybe you’ve
known me for years but you just want to tell me again how much you
like my sideburns. Drop on by Baxter 327 and sign up for an
interview time. Or you can email me. The important thing is that I
don’t end up spending the evening of the 14th eating
Planters nuts alone. If my methods seem heartless, I remind you that
we are talking about a holiday that supposedly was created by candy
and greeting card companies. But it is a holiday that I want to be a
part of nonetheless. Such a great plan. It’s totally gonna work
out.
Love,
Tom Ackerman
Well I did not get the massive volume of interviewees that I was secretly hoping for. And of the people who did drop by, almost all where people in my dorm hall and several were dudes. Which is surprising really, I thought everyone would be on board with my "finding a mate should be more like finding a job" theory. I did find a Valentine however, so mission accomplished! It'd be a few more years before I was in an actual serious relationship though, because I was totally terrified of girls in general. But that's a story for another time.
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