More Helpful Reviews

I kept writing review columns because, even if I had no other ideas, I always had random junk in my dorm room that I had very strong views about.

January 28, 2008

From Tom Ackerman, The Final Authority on Nearly Everything

    Yes that’s right, here’s more reviews of stuff, because I feel it’s my duty to educate you as to my opinions on trivial consumer products.

Let’s get things started with a book review:

    National Geographic Collegiate Atlas of the World: I purchased this fine atlas when I first started college, thinking since it was “collegiate” it might come in handy. Unfortunately my atlas has sat unused on my shelf for some time since I generally utilize the internet to answer my specific questions of geography. But the other day I pulled it out just out of curiosity and was astounded by the sheer amount of information this atlas contains. Certainly it has normal atlas stuff: names of rivers, locations of mountains, the major roads of Latvia, but it also has so much more. Using informative color-coded maps and graphs, this atlas conveys more information that you can possibly conceive of. I now know that the primary indigenous language of Namibia is Khosian. I didn’t even know that was a language. There’s also this awesome map that shows every earthquake, volcano and tsunami that has occurred in Asia since the dawn of recorded history. Best of all this atlas will never give me an error message, or tell me that a page is not found. I give the National Geographic Collegiate Atlas of the World five cartographers out of five for it’s immense volume of information.

    Rite Aid Brand Cotton Swabs: A simpleton would assume that all Q-tips are created equal. Indeed the carton that these particular swabs come in proclaims that they are both “soft” and “hygienic”. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that no company currently attempts to market Q-tips that are coarse and disease-ridden. But there is one thing that sets these Rite Aid swabs apart: they come in a variety of pastel colors. Unfortunately, only their stalks are colored. I yearn for the day when the cotton tips themselves will be colored. Truly that will be a brave new world to live in. I like to hope that men in secret labs are working double shifts to make fully colored cotton swabs a reality, but only time will tell. These swabs are fine, but I dare to dream of an age when they could be so much more.

    Clocky: “Clocky” is an alarm clock available through nandahome.com. “He” looks like the misbegotten love child of an ipod and a rickshaw. “He” is also the most physically obnoxious alarm clock ever created by the tainted minds of men. Clocky has wheels and will roll off your bedside table and scurry around your room making hideous robot noises if you do not wake up, thus forcing you to chase him around in order to turn of the hellish alarm. Clocky’s alarm sounds roughly like a room full of R2-D2s being bludgeoned by golf clubs while a Cadillac Escalade is simultaneously broken into. I see no market for this horrible machine except possibly for people who find normal means of waking up completely insufficient. To really justify buying a Clocky a person would have to own and actively use three alarm clocks, and still have been late for work every day since 1985. Do you really have that much trouble getting out of bed that you would subject yourself to this kind of torture? The one good thing about Clocky is that it can be used for evil. Put Clocky under your enemy’s bed unbeknownst to them, and set “him” to go off at 4:30 am. They will know fear and anguish unrivaled in the scope of human history. I give Clocky a score of NOTHING out of a possible EVERYTHING.

    Heath Ledger: Ok, ok, I’m not actually going to review the late Heath Ledger. That would be in very poor taste. I’m sure he was a nice person, and I am very much looking forward to his roll as the Joker in the upcoming Batman movie. That being said, I was really hoping that Adrian Brody would have been chosen to be the Joker. Have you seen Adrian Brody’s nose? He has a truly villainous nose, one that has been tragically underutilized during his cinematic career.

Well, that’s all for now. Tune in next week, same Bat Time, same Bat Opinions Page.

   The girl next to me in the dorm owned Clocky.  Luckily she only used "him" a handful of times.  That thing is seriously terrible, but she did have real problems waking up as I recall.  

    Wow, I forgot I made a Heath Ledger reference here... though I still think that Adrian Brody would make an awesome Joker.  

Shit... what did I do with that Atlas...  I have no idea.   Maybe I should get a new one.