It's Just a New Year

Don't become one of the countless victims of deadly New Years Resolution stress!

Jan, 21, 2008

            Hello again dear readers.  Well, it’s 2008 now and that probably means that you are currently being destroyed by the stresses of the New Year.  Frightening new classes (Oh crap they make you read in this class???), intense political conflicts (If Ron Paul doesn’t make a comeback, I’m moving to Trinidad), even the Academy Awards (If Juno doesn’t win an Oscar, I’m moving to Trinidad), combine to make this January of 2008 a veritable nightmare of stressful oppression for Willamette students.  But the most stressful part of any New Years is always the New Years Resolutions.

            Year after year I watch people’s minds break under the unyielding pressure of their self-imposed embetterment regimens.  I knew one man who committed to stop biting his nails on January 1^st.  By January 4^th he was selling his body on the streets for meth money.  Certainly, New Years resolutions are supposed to be benign convictions toward making yourself a better human being, but too many people make unrealistic resolutions, or begin to think that they must become perfect, healthy, contributing members of adult society over the course of a single year.  Thousands each year succumb to the relentless pressures of these resolutions and end up converting to lives of vice and excess.

            Luckily I am here to help.  Although I do not make New Years resolutions (I cannot conceive of any way to make myself more perfect than I already am), I have devoted much thought to this problem and may have come up with a solution.  The other day I remembered part of a conversation I had many months ago with an old High School friend.  It went something like this (Note: the name has been changed for no apparent reason)

Emma Wordmundson: "One of these days I really need wash my car."

Me: "Psh life is full of 'one of these days', what about the nevers!  I am never going to quit smoking! That's the kind of conviction that heroes are made of."

            I made this statement with the utmost facetiousness (I do not smoke, nor do I end serious sentences with prepositions), but this dialogue holds the key to my solution for the resolution conundrum.

            I propose that for every good change you resolve to make in your life, resolve to keep one not so good thing about you the same.  This will keep you from being crushed under the pressures of resolution perfection.

            Let’s do some examples shall we?

            “I’m going to jog every day, but I’m going to continue not sending Christmas cards to acquaintances”

“I’m going to finish painting my kitchen, but I’m still going to be mean to everyone at work.”

“I’m going to eat less, but I’m going to continue binge drinking with frightening regularity.”

            “I resolve to get all A’s this semester, but I’m still going vandalize the Chicken Fountain whenever possible.

            “I’m going to learn a new language, but I’m still going to blast “Soulja Boy” in the wee hours of the morning.”

            “I’m going to laugh a little every day!  But I’m still going to cry on Sunday afternoons while eating a carton of Cherry Garcia.”

            “I’m going to be a nicer person to everyone!  Except that one kid in my Calc class, I’m still gonna be a bastard to him.”

            “I’m going to stop listening to Country music!  But I am going to continue being close-minded about most things.”

            “I resolve to do more community service this year, but I’m not going to vote.”

“I’m going to shave off my mustache that everyone says makes me look like a pedophile.  But I’m still going to drive around Elementary schools in my 1994 Astro Van.”

Hopefully you get the idea now.  I believe that these counter-resolutions will help you stay sane through the year.  2008 is shaping up to be a year of important people participating in eventful events, and you for sure don’t want to be one of the ones that cracks under the pressure.

Happy New Year!

For those not in the know, the "Chicken Fountain" referenced above is a fountain on the Willamette campus that has a metal sculpture of a pair of eagles at its center.  However the eagles are fat, have dumb tiny wings and look neither noble or imposing, thus the fountain is widely known as the Chicken Fountain and students vandalize it on a semi-regular basis.  

BONUS EXAMPLES:  "I'm going to go to the gym two days a week!  But I'm still only going to wash my dishes once a month."

"I'm going to take a dance class.  But I'm going to continue picking my nose with zero regard for those around me.