As Finals Draw Near, Column Quality Plummets

Let it never be said that my titles are misleading.

December 3, 2007

Yes it’s true, with finals just around the corner, I find I don’t have the time to craft the kind of poignant and authoritative column that you readers deserve.  For instance, I was thinking of writing another CSSJ satire, in rhymed iambic pentameter, but unfortunately, I have more pressing responsibilities.  Thus this week’s column promises to be several hundred words of unintelligible rambling.  I hope at least you will find it amusing.  If I am to write a column next week though, I fear for it greatly.

So I’m in a bit of a Star Wars phase currently.  Let it be known that I’m no great fan of the Lucas’s movie series.  I don’t know all of the lines by heart, I don’t go to conventions, and I don’t plan on naming my firstborn male child Luke.  Nonetheless, every few years or so I get a powerful urge to fly X-Wings, befriend Wookies, and spend my life savings on a full set of Stormtrooper armor.  Anyhow, it was in this mood that I began contemplating what I would do if I had Force powers.  I decided I would use it mainly to push down skateboarders, in addition to the more mundane tasks of sensing “great disturbances” and persuading passersby that these are not, in fact, the droids they are looking for.  

From there I began to ponder what would be inherently difficult to do utilizing only Force powers.  Immediately I realized that putting on socks would be very tricky using only the Force.  The Force seems to be very adept at pushing things, pulling things and creating evil lightning out of pure malice.  It would not be very good at the kinds of precise manipulation necessary for putting on one’s socks.  

And now, Tom Ackerman’s thoughts on the “Weird News” section of MSNBC.com.

“SYDNEY, Australia - Thieves who stole 16 metric tons of ham and bacon from a warehouse in Australia left behind a message taunting the business just weeks before the holiday season.”

I think it’s safe to say that the thieves were not Jews with high cholesterol.  Seriously though, who would steal sixteen metric tons of ham?  The article said that the meat was worth “up to $88,000.”  But where is it worth up to $88,000?  Is there a pork black market?  Were the thieves perhaps agents from a competing ham company?  These are questions that ham-loving men like myself need answered in order to sleep soundly.

And now, Tom Ackerman’s helpful holiday gift guide!

For the man that has everything:  A reciprocating saw

For the woman that has everything except a dictionary:  A dictionary

For children of all ages:  Empty cardboard boxes (even at twenty years of age, I’m a sucker for a good box)

For the college student:  DVDs, floss, and an ant farm.

For that special someone:  Bisquick, man’s greatest gift to the world.

You don't even have to read between the lines to see that I had no idea what to write about this week.  You can just read the lines.  I still have moments where I think "boy, wouldn't this thing I'm writing be awesome if it were in iambic pentameter?"  But then I remember that that shit is hard to do.  Also I would still be happy to receive Bisquick or a reciprocating saw for any occasion.