Ask Me Anything Else

     At this point, my former boss at The Collegian, Jade, had an advice column called "Ask Me Anything" that usually ran on the same page as my column.  So of course it was only a matter of time until I tried my own hand at answering fake questions (Ok, I know for a fact that only a small percentage of Jade's questions were fabricated.)

October 9, 2007

By Tom Ackerman

            Dear Tom,

            I am a freshman here at Willamette and I am having a really tough time of things.  I’m barely passing my classes, I never have any free time and I don’t sleep nearly enough.  Does it ever get better?

- Stressed

            Dear Stressed,

In answer to your question, NO.  Wow, that was easy. Next question!

Hey Tom,

Should I shave my balls?  I mean, I am in college now and all.  I’m really torn, what do you think?

- Torn

            Dear Torn,

            ………………I…wow…I don’t even know what to say Torn.  I don’t know what you thought college would be like, but there’s not some widespread fad of deforesting one’s testes as it were.  If the crowd you “hang” with is for some reason pressuring you to trim your nether regions against your will, I would strongly suggest finding different friends.  Next question!

            Dear Sir or Madam,

            WOULD YOU LIKE TO WIN AN ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS!?!?

- John Doe

            Curse you spam filter! You’ve failed me for the last time!

            Dear Tom,

            Hey man, you know that girl down the hall, what do you think of her man?  I’d give her an 8, maybe 8.5 out of 10.

- Woman Connoisseur

            Dear Woman Connoisseur,

            You just don’t get it do you? This type of chauvinistic behavior will not be tolerated in this day and age.  Personality is much more important then beauty, it’s sad that I need to remind you of this.  That being said, I hope she has a good personality ‘cause she’s super hawt.

            Dear Tom,

            You’re really funny.  How did you get so darn funny, and how can I be as funny as you?

- Aspiring Fan

            Well Aspiring, I see you’ve greedily asked two questions in a single letter, I’ll let it slide this time though.  The answer to your first question is not a simple one, but it is one that I often ponder myself.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there are many reasons why I am funny: genetics, upbringing, chronic exposure to funny things, and each of them has contributed in their own way.  One of the major experiences that made me the humorous guy I am today was being the pudgy kid in high school P.E..  Facing ridicule and alienation from my peers, I realized I had two options: either get in shape, or become increasingly bitter and sarcastic in an attempt to out-torment my tormentors.  I chose the latter because it involved drastically less exercise.  I succeeded obviously, and by the end of the year not only was I not being picked last for sports, I was sometimes picked first.  “We want that loud hilarious angry kid on our team.  His constant verbal assault is more than sufficient to destroy the morale of any team that opposes us.”

            So if you want to be funny like me, the best advice I can give you is to gain some weight, then go back to high school and take P.E. again.  You’ll be up to your ears with funny in no time.  Or your self-esteem will be decimated and you’ll end up a lonely shell of a human being. 

            Anyhow, that’s all for this week folks, but keep sending me letters and I’ll keep doling out my sagely advice.

     I still think advice columnists have it way easy.  Instead of having to rack their brains to come up with ideas every week, advice columnists just read their mail.  Not that I think I would be a very good advice columnist.  People would write in with real actual problems and I'd be all "wow, that sucks how your boyfriend cheated on you and then sold your car without asking and gave all the money to girl he cheated on you with.  Ummmmm have you ever tried like, watching The Simpsons and eating Skittles?  Those things tend to make me feel better."  And that would be the answer for literally every question.  Maybe I'd switch up the TV show or the candy but it would just be those things.  

     Now I want to write to Dear Abby asking how I can become a better advice columnist.  That'd be so meta.  Whoa, another thought, who advises the advice columnists?  Who does Dear Abby turn to when she has a moral quandary.  This is deep stuff man.