Inane Commentary on Trivial Facts

     Sometimes when I was struggling with some serious writers block, all I had to do was venture to the Baxter Hall men's bathroom.

October 15, 2007.

By Tom Ackerman

            So the other day I was sitting on the can trying desperately to think of a topic for my latest column.  I began reading the latest edition of The Toilet Paper for the umpteenth time (this is The Toilet Paper the monthly bathroom newsletter that contains semi-useful information, not to be confused with toilet paper, the stuff that one wipes one’s ass with, although in times of crisis I’m sure Willamette students have been forced to use The Toilet Paper as toilet paper).  Anyhow I was sitting there reading the “Did You Know…” section of The Toilet Paper, and I realized that the thoughts I was thinking after each fact were quite humorous.  Thus after finishing my business, I pilfered a copy of The Toilet Paper and returned to my room to write.

            So here it is, in pseudo-stream of consciousness, my thoughts on the “Did You Know…” section of The Toilet Paper:

1. A giraffe can clear out its ears with its own tongue.
   Thanks Toilet Paper, that’s just what I need, another reason to envy giraffes.
2. Napoleon was afraid of cats.
   Isn’t everybody afraid of cats?  I mean, they’re cute and all, but you can’t control them in any meaningful way.  Have you ever looked into a cat’s eyes?  I don’t care what the studies say, they’re smarter than dolphins, I’m pretty sure they’re smarter than most of the people I know too.  That should be enough to scare anyone.
3. Foo-foo is a West Indian food dish.
   Wow what a useless fact.  I don’t even think West Indians care about this fact.
4. In 1994, a statue was issued in Jerusalem stating that a woman showing her elbows was ground for her husband to divorce her.
   A statue? Really? Pretty sure you mean statute.  Going beyond this heinous typo, this fact brings up something I’ve known for a long time: elbows aren’t particularly sexy on anyone.
5. A number of species of lizard have a third eye.
   I don’t care; I’d still rather be a giraffe.  No contest.
6. In the 1950’s the French equivalent of American rock music was called Ye-Ye.
   When I read this I immediately thought back to fact number three and wondered if repetition of monosyllabic nonsense words was some sort of recurring theme, but alas such was not the case.  Also, if we had a King of Rock and Roll, was there a King of Ye-Ye?
7. In 1875, the cobra killed 26,000 people in India.
   Was this more or less than the number of people killed in India by the British Army that year? Was there perhaps a heated competition?
8. The Beaver Roundup is a spring celebration in Alaska.
   Evoked mental images of cowboys riding Shetland ponies attempting to herd a very large number of beavers.
9. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
   Well at least she only has two eyes.  Unlike those crazy mutant lizards.
10. The inventor of Vaseline ate a spoonful of it every morning.
    Other more humorous and completely fictional versions include:  Eli Whitney ate a spoonful of cotton gin every morning, Thomas Edison at a spoonful of light bulb every morning, and, my personal favorite, Robert Oppenheimer ate a spoonful of nuclear bomb every morning.
11. A group of rhinoceros are called a “crash”.
    Much like a group of whales is called a “pod”, a group of conflicting realities is called a “confusion”, and a group of blondes is called an “annoyance”.

In other news, WUPAT now has a facebook group.  I urge you to join if you feel so inclined.  If we get enough people, maybe we can pool our resources and get some uniforms and side-arms.  

The only hate mail I ever received was for this column.  Somebody emailed me offended by fact #3.  He/she said that this wasn't a useless fact by any means, and was probably very important to West Indians who might not have anything other than Foo-foo to eat.  I was both a bit surprised that anyone would get worked up about something I wrote, and also ashamed because I had failed as a humorist.  In truth, I didn't have anything funny to say about fact 3, so I chose to badmouth it, and paid the price (classic newbie humor columnist blunder).  I vowed to never again offend anyone with my column, unless they really deserved it.

I still wonder who had the job of creating the "Did You Know" section of the Toilet Paper.  Did they get to put it on a resume?  If I worked on The Toilet Paper, I sure wouldn't make that widely known.  I really just wanted to know their thought process sometimes.  Often, as here, it seemed that the Did You Know section had some sort of hidden underlying themes.  If only I could decipher them....

Also, WUPAT still does have a facebook group.  We still have no uniforms or side-arms.