WU PATROL REPORT

     Here it is!  The very first appearance of WUPAT, easily my most-beloved recurring series.  My vigilante adventures would become increasingly wacky over the years, but I'm still very proud of this first installment.  For those of you reading this who tragically did not go to Willamette University, you should know that every week, the newspaper published the "Campus Safety Reports," giving concise accounts of all the criminal activity and safety-related issues that had occurred the previous week.  Needless to say, these reports were often hilarious, and widely believed to be one of the only worthwhile portions of The Collegian (along with Tom's Thoughts of course).  Whoever it was from Campus Safety who wrote the reports had apparently gone to a school where they only taught how to write in the passive voice.  Somehow this only added to the ridiculousness of everything being reported.  I couldn't pass up making a parody.

September 23, 2007

By Tom Ackerman

            The other day I was bored so I decided to create an elite crime fighting team.  Thus the Willamette University Patrol (WUPAT) was born.  After all, why should Campus Safety have all the fun and glory? 

            WUPAT is still a very small organization (currently consisting of myself and my trusty wiffle bat The Hammer of Righteousness), but we have already had numerous successful operations.  So here it is, the first weekly WUPAT Report.

            TRESPASSING/SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY:  A suspicious person was seen panning for gold in the mill stream.  WUPAT was notified.  Upon further investigation, the suspect was found to be a miner.  The suspect was then politely asked to take his business elsewhere.

            A suspicious individual was discovered inside a WUPAT agent’s dorm room.  WUPAT responded by repeatedly administering The Hammer of Righteousness to the suspect’s head and torso.  Upon further investigation, the suspect was found to be said WUPAT agent’s roommate.

            EMERGENCY MEDICAL AID:      WUPAT transported a student to Salem Hospital for numerous wiffle bat wounds to the head and torso.

            A male student called WUPAT asking for assistance in putting on a condom.  WUPAT chose not to respond to this call because it was gross and unusual.

            A student contacted WUPAT requesting a shoulder to cry on.  WUPAT responded immediately.  A discussion of feelings ensued.

            POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE:  A student was observed by WUPAT carrying a large metal suitcase.  After a short confrontation involving The Hammer of Righteousness, the suspect revealed that the suitcase contained plutonium.  The suspect was taken into custody when it was determined that he was not Christopher Lloyd.

            THEFT:  Somebody stole one of WUPAT’s prized highlighters.  If they don’t fess up and return it, the inevitable beatdown will be long and merciless.

            GENERAL UNSAVORY BEHAVIOR:  WUPAT overheard a Baxter resident rating his female classmates on a scale of one to ten.  WUPAT informed the individual that he was a chauvinist bastard.

            WUPAT observed a student relieve himself and then exit the bathroom without washing his hands.  When confronted, the filthy suspect agreed to wash his hands before persuasion via The Hammer of Righteousness became necessary.

            Several students were discovered watching the movie The Notebook.  WUPAT responded by forcibly confiscating the unsavory DVD and informing the students that he was very disappointed in all of them.  The offending DVD was subsequently buried in an undisclosed corner of Bush Park.

*If you have any information regarding these incidents, please contact WUPAT

Note:  Tom Ackerman in no way condones vigilante justice, puns, violence, misuse of sports equipment, unsafe sex, crying, black market plutonium dealings, obscure Back to the Future references, duress, acronyms, flag burning, Canada, or the burying of other people’s stuff.

     Yes, I still have The Hammer of Righteousness.  I intend to be buried with it.  Because being cremated with it would probably create gross fumes.  

    Let it be known that the chauvinist bastard's name is Shane.  I'm never gonna let you live that down Shane.  Even though I later participated.  Also, I don't know of anyone who understood the Christopher Lloyd joke, but if you did, congratulations, we're soulmates.