WUPAT REPORTS: Part Deux

My second installment of the WUPAT Reports again stuck very close to the Campus Safety Report format. Soon I would stop living in their shadow however....

Pointers for Constructing a Politically Correct Halloween Costume

     Here is the first of what would be several appearances of the Concerned Students for Social Justice (CSSJ) a very vocal group of individuals on the Willamette campus who were active during the years I attended.  A full account of their activities is beyond the scope of this blog.  For those of you who weren't there, I'll just give you the info you need to understand my columns.

     So, my freshmen year, some upperclassmen had a "Politically Incorrect Costume Party" for Halloween.  They also filmed portions of the party and put the video up on YouTube. The school administration somehow found out about this and it became a whole big scandal where the president was very disappointed in all of the students involved etc. (personally I dunno how anyone could be overly offended by a video hosted by a drunk Asian kid dressed as Hitler).  

Anyhow, a year later, the events in this column transpired.

Tom Ackerman Reviews Some More Stuff

      That's right folks, only a month had gone by, but I already had to fall back on reviewing more crap.  But this time you all get to learn how my college radio show got its name.  

Inane Commentary on Trivial Facts

     Sometimes when I was struggling with some serious writers block, all I had to do was venture to the Baxter Hall men's bathroom.

Ask Me Anything Else

     At this point, my former boss at The Collegian, Jade, had an advice column called "Ask Me Anything" that usually ran on the same page as my column.  So of course it was only a matter of time until I tried my own hand at answering fake questions (Ok, I know for a fact that only a small percentage of Jade's questions were fabricated.)

I Don't Play Your Game

     I'm so glad this isn't a fad anymore.  

WU PATROL REPORT

     Here it is!  The very first appearance of WUPAT, easily my most-beloved recurring series.  My vigilante adventures would become increasingly wacky over the years, but I'm still very proud of this first installment.  For those of you reading this who tragically did not go to Willamette University, you should know that every week, the newspaper published the "Campus Safety Reports," giving concise accounts of all the criminal activity and safety-related issues that had occurred the previous week.  Needless to say, these reports were often hilarious, and widely believed to be one of the only worthwhile portions of The Collegian (along with Tom's Thoughts of course).  Whoever it was from Campus Safety who wrote the reports had apparently gone to a school where they only taught how to write in the passive voice.  Somehow this only added to the ridiculousness of everything being reported.  I couldn't pass up making a parody.

Tom Ackerman Reviews Some Stuff

     Ah yes, the first installment of what became a recurring series where I reviewed stuff.  This emerged as one of my preferred fall-backs when I didn't have any better ideas for columns (which was quite often).  Almost all the objects here are things that could be found on or around my desk in my tiny Sophomore dorm room in Baxter Hall (for a wildly fun time, see if you can spot which items reviewed here were not from my dorm room!)

How I Would Make the Activities Fair More Accessible to the Gloriously Unambitious

     I still think all the ideas contained in this column are great.  Well, not misusing power tools.  Or being apathetic about endangered species.  You all should totally care about endangered species.  Do as I say kids, not as I do.  

The Stuff of Nightmares

So for those of you reading this who are unfortunate enough to have never visited the beautiful Willamette University campus, it's important to mention that it is right next to some train tracks.  Actually, one could argue that the tracks actually go through campus, as one of the main dorms lies on the other side of them.  The University is also situated right next to Salem Hospital, and I have to tell you, the ambulances were much more annoying than the trains which were at least fairly predictable.